mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
