Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
