3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
