I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
