Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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