omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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