It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
