Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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