fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I deserve this hangover.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
