Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
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was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
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Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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