Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
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I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
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Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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