I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize