Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
