I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
And then he peed in my hair
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