I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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