the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
