you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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