I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
