I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
