Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
My cat gives me a boner
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
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Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
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You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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