meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
did i walk over a car last night?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
