i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
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Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
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You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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