when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
