I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
