Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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