If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
