Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
