I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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