he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
