how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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