I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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