remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
