i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
