My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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