she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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