I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize