He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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