I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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