Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
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She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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