I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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