Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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