This is not my ceiling
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
