my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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