the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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