2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
