I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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