Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
