Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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