I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
