how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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