4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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