Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
