Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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