sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
We need to get me chipped asap
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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