you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
areolas are like halos for boobs.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
