I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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