I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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