Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
