omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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